a terrible tradition

families are complicated. they grow more so around the holidays. there's so much pressure to have this perfect christmas. and rarely does it ever live up to expectations.

when i was in high school i wrote a poem about how disappointing holidays were. it was called "christmas mourning." it's not a terrifically clever title. but there was an anger infused between those lines. a frustration with appearances - hypocritic as they often were - to present my family to the general population as one that was close, friendly, loving.

now that i'm older i'm still having to cover up for all the dysfunction. this time, however, i was responsible for creating a falsehood, a fashioned perfection, a deceptive happiness. the kicker was that it wasn't even with my parents. they were, for the most part, on good behavior. my sister was good, too. my brother and his wife were another story. i don't really feel that it's fair to get into it here, they don't know how pissed off i was. but now i understand cover-ups better. it's become a kind of christmas tradition. something we do for the sake of others.

one day i'd like to give up this terrible tradition.