surrendering to the spirit of the season

i have this friend from high school who i see every once in a while. she lives on the other side of the country which makes spending time with her infrequent. but every second around her is some of the best times i've ever had. always has been, may i hope it always will be. recently she and her husband came to l.a. to visit family. i was lucky enough to steal some of those hours from them.

it takes so little to enjoy her company. sometimes it's hearing about all the horrid people she works with and mocks openly. or it's listening to the genuine enthusiasm she gets as she describes her latest whirlwind visit to some exotic location. often it comes from reminiscing about our mutually mischievous past. ahhhhh memories.

this time it materialized as being materialistic without the monetary means.

i took them to this shop in hollywood called soaplant/wacko, also home to the la luz de jesus gallery which features art from various local artists. it's a funky store. you can buy a wide array of good and bad crap. there are tons of art books, toys galore (tin wind-ups, plastic anime-inspired figures, plush stuffed animals, some cute, some gory, some downright odd playthings.) i ended up buying a bunch of little things for myself. cute things that are so me yet ultimately so unnecessary.

we had a discussion about christmastime and the buying of gifts. it's been said that greed and generosity are very closely related. not too sure if i consider this to be true for myself. maybe. but the balance seems to weigh more heavily towards greed with me. i walk into a store, any store, and i immediately see things that i would like as a gift, but that i usually purchase for myself. the thinking is that i like this something, and i don't know if anyone out there would be able to get this something for me. or this something might sell out, so i will get it just in case. total greed. sometimes i look around in a shop and think this would be so perfect for such and such person. but my generosity is marred by uncertainty. is it really that perfect for someone? or am i just tricking myself into believing it is because i want to get them something, anything. and then i take a long hard look at the object and a little voice inside me nitpicks at it. and if it survives the test, or if i am too lazy to put up much of a fight, i ring it up with the items i have selected for myself.

for lunch we went to yashima in west los angeles. it's a small japanese restuarant that serves up curries, rice bowls, sushi, soups. good food, large portions, happy bellies. we talked about friendships. the true ones that stay fresh, the old ones that are turning sour. sometimes it seems like such a struggle to keep the friends you have. i know there are people i take for granted in my life. it's pointless to ask their forgiveness here because i should really let them know directly. and even this holiday i haven't made the full effort needed to keep friendships going. it's horrible. what is it about me that thinks this is acceptable?

there's a complacency for sure. there's laziness. there's the feeling that other people should be half responsible for the letting go. i hold no resentments about them. but maybe this too is a disservice to friendship. i should care more. i should care about letting people go so easily. i should care and try whatever is within my power and ability to resist it. or else you end up alone, lonely, with moldy memories when there was a chance to create new ones.

so back to this friend. i still try with her. she still tries with me. there's no letting go. and because of this we built another memory. we ran around town shopping for over-priced (13 bucks?!!), cheaply-made (in china), extravagant trinkets (useless junk which nevertheless makes us happy) . we gave in to the things we coveted at giant robot. we gave into selfish spending. we gave into caring about this friendship.

perhaps it's the spirit of the season, but this time i do feel greed and generosity have found its rightful balance in me.