pity me

today i woke up in a spasm of acute, excruciating pain. every now and again this shit happens to me. i'm in bed, content to be semi-conscious, when my left calf muscle squeezes into this rock hard orange-sized ball. it tightens and holds for what seems like a minute, although i'm sure it's much less than that. and there's nothing you can do to hurry the pain along. you just have to wait it out with clenched teeth and teary eyes. it absolutely fucking sucks.

i asked my doctor about it a while back when the pains came more frequently. and she said it was my muscle reacting to a deficiency of potassium. pretty much it's just a super strong charley horse. so i took a vitamin this morning. one of those "one-a-day for women" that's supposed to be packed with calcium, iron, potassium, and all that other crap the female body needs. i took the vitamin because i can't stand the texture of bananas and wouldn't want to get my vitamin K through them all the time. one-a-days are a lot easier. plus there's all that bonus stuff.

but i wonder why, if it's just a potassium deficiency, the pain always comes in my left calf. and always in the morning. i've been drinking lots of water to counter dehydration, which tends to aggravate the problem. i guess it's not enough. i hope it's not a sign of some other health issue. like, i hope i don't have a blood clot or something. it's frightening. i don't want to die!!

so i'm kinda sad today. and worried. and maybe by the end of the day i'll be so morose that i'll just lay down and cry cause i'm dying. and the paranoia and anxiety my ailing body imposes on me will somehow snuff me out.

meanwhile my leg is incredibly sore and tender. *sniff* pity me.