blue monday

I see a ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today

so today goes.

today was my first day back for a real day at work. and it couldn't have been crazier. i got to be the bearer of bad news in the morning; and that set the tone for how the rest of my day was going to turn out.

i unwillingly dealt a body blow to smarty when i recounted all the critiques all his hard work garnered. i knew that he'd already had a shit night, but as it was my job to report what was said at the morning meeting, there was little i could do to sugar-coat the disappointment people were feeling. the problem is that sometimes constructive criticism feels like personal attack, even when it shouldn't. and so you feel directly responsible for someone's insides being scattered on the sidewalk.

usually i'm able to snap him out of it. given some time to breathe and take a step back to see things as they really are, he comes around and realizes things are never as bad as they first seem. but he wouldn't hear anything i had to say. which always worries me because this usually means that the room will be filled with crunchiness. so i tried to stay out of his way, to let him approach me when he needed. but it was all very distant. as a result, i felt so ill that all i could stomach or keep down for lunch was a piece of french bread with brie, and some fruit.

then we had another meeting. and this managed to make things a lot worse. the thing about not having the singular voice to rule and overrule is that decisions are then made by committee. and every person with their bad ideas chimes in with how things should go. and so now there's no direction, and you don't know who you're supposed to listen to. and really, it should be your voice they listen to if only you'd speak up and fight. but when you've been beaten down for so long, you get exhausted. and then people look at you and say that you look like you've lost the will to live. which i think today, was the case for him.

to top it off, smarty's pet frog might be fighting his own losing battle. i came in this morning and the poor thing's leg was stuck in the air filter. at first i thought it was dead. he was kinda just dangling there limp as a rag doll. so i nudged it with a pen and saw that he kicked back. so i tried to free him, taking care not to mangle his limbs. but every time i got it free he'd get sucked right back into the filter. and then he'd float upside down. or else his legs would twist and turn and start to braid. so i eventually had to put him in a separate container, give him time to recuperate.

and then, of course, what was supposed to be a heavy workload turned into massively monstrous heap. there were five million things to complete, which meant five million things to repeat. so i stayed a bit longer than my normal hours to keep the sanity, which i'm happy to do if it helps. but honestly, this is not how you should start the week.

i sure as hell hope i don't have any more days like these blue mondays.