just as i am

i was very pleased with the stars today. they were speaking to me. they even used a phrase (see italics) from a movie that i love love love.

Virgo
You have a wonderful opportunity to take a break from your quest for perfection and celebrate yourself just as you are.* Dare to flaunt it, because you sure do have it! A little advertising draws positive attention to something that already speaks for itself. You're the perfect balance of optimism and realism. Once you know what can be done, waste no time in doing it. Wait for another day to reshape your life.
- By Astrology.com

wonderful! fabulous! today is going to be one of those days that leaves a permanent smile on your face, a smile that goes to bed with you.

and then i got sorted. hufflepuff. wonderful. fabulous. :\

so this morning, the usual joking with "mr. poison paranoia" about his ailing fish turns serious. and i'm accused of being mean. he scowls.
now normally i would accept this as faux fighting. but something in it starts to ring true. like he means it. like i'm really mean! *scoff*

how is trying to help the fish feel better, mean? how can i be mean when i'm trying to help you?

and so the scale is starting to tip from optimism to realism.

and i begin to doubt myself, to wonder if people really see me as this mostly mean person who is sometimes good. i know i can be bitchy. i do have a little venom in my speech. i make fun of people often for no other reason than that it amuses me. but shit, that's for other people's entertainment, too.

and this has put me in a bad mood. and i refuse to speak any further with MPP about anything. don't joke with me. i'm mean. remember??

i go to lunch with my friend, "cat", who i barely ever see anymore. so i try to put my bad mood aside. focus on the good of the stars. focus on the face of a friend who has helped me forget that work often sucks.

so we try this argentinian place that i hadn't been to but had wanted to try ever since seeing the cute little animal icons on their menu. and during our meal he tells me that he's had his review at work. thursday he was so happy because he heard that he was going to get a promotion. so what should have been a celebratory lunch turned into a bitch session extraordinaire. not only did he not get a title change, but he didn't get much of a raise. and his review didn't even come from the head of his department. poor cat got shafted. they gave him the same bullshit line that i've been hearing more and more of these days. that if you'd just speak up you'd be better rewarded. forget hard work. forget job well done. if you blab to hear the sound of your voice, if you pucker up and kiss the ass that shits on you - even if you're a total jackoff  - you'll get the goods. i'm sorry but that's what has gotten the place so fucked up in the first place!
yet i know deep down that it's typical. that it's just the way of the "one."

the pull and draw of realism is bearing down. and it's getting on my nerves.

sometimes i think i let my superstitions get the better of me.  i want to believe in the benevolence of astrological forecast. then when some other silly superstition comes along to contradict the first superstition, i allow it to take over. like there is no choice in the matter. like my every move is predetermined, is scripted, is dictated to me by superstitious belief.  

so i'm hufflepuff today. which means that i'm a tertiary character who must try harder than anyone else to achieve success. hmmm, try harder. ok, let's try it.

today i am determined to remedy all misgivings and misunderstandings by willful perseverance, by action and personal choice. time to throw the superstitions away. or at least not pay them so much mind. it's time to celebrate myself - just as i am.

 

 

*from bridget jones's diary