Monday, July 12, 2004

dressed in sorrow and suffering

i've returned to color. for a while, mostly in my junior high years, i refused to wear anything vibrant or colorful. if it wasn't black or any of the jewel tones, you probably wouldn't see me in it. and you could just forget about pastels and white.

today i'm robed in shades of sorrow and suffering. but it's not what you would think. i didn't cross into pleasantville. i'm not a little storm cloud hovering in the sky. i'm mountains majesty. i'm desert sunset. i'm wounded heart.

i've come around to liking and wearing purple. different shades of it. today's ensemble consists of three different hues. well, two that are really noticeable. plum colored pants and a lavender tank top with a white hoody. very summer. and i feel good in these colors of regal importance.

but purple is also associated with spirituality. "Purple speaks of fasting, faith, patience and trust. It is the liturgical color used during seasons of penance, Advent and Lent."
and i feel like i'm letting the color down in this respect, like i'm not doing it justice. i find myself lacking in faith. i'm not talking about religious faith, more like normal everyman faith. trust in invisible amity, commitment to connective bonds.

i'm mourning the perceived loss of friendship. i know i'm crazy to think it. but i get this way now and again. i'm looking for visibility and tangible things. i'm needing a hole in which to place my hand. i'm not content with relying on the common experience of a mutual past. the past seems so far removed today. and it's hard to think on the good times when my mind is clouded with doubt, when i tether on the edge of forgetfulness.

it's a subtle hurt that i've brought upon myself. something as unreal as the loss. something i know will pass with penance and time.

and so i feel purple: the color of a healing bruise.



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