masks

i picked a face out of a box today. a shiny silver face with a mean growl. it had a deadly sneer with blood red stitching and a place to shout out the words i would normally keep hidden inside for fear of losing my place in line.

i chose it for it's rough exterior. to mask my malleable features. so often my eyes turn to puddles, my lips quake and quiver with weak whispers. my face a flimsy sheet bending in the breeze. i hoped the strength i felt in the fabric would transfer onto this fragile facade, fuse it with a ferocity. an iron-on of iron will.

i surrendered myself to the magic sheath and found that i fit it comfortably. the mask shivered once then surged with a remarkable potency. i could feel my teeth and jaw bones vibrate and hum to its electricity. and when i opened my mouth my voice bellowed monstrously, as if magnified by invisible megaphone.

and from my slight frame a roar and this convincing truth: no one can hurt me now!

i picked a face out of a box today. almost out of a necessity unrealized. i chose a new face to present to the world, to focus on in mirror reflections. shining silver and blood red grin. i changed my face and it changed my perspective.

rain song

i drove into the rain this morning.
headed straight for the gathering grey above griffith park.
i was rounding the bend of the zoo when the wet hit my windshield.
first in stuttered splatters.
pitter patter.
pitter patter.
then past the links of green, great golf ball drops plopped on the hood.
an assault from the skies.
aggressive snare drum strikes.
splash and shatter.
splash and shatter.
and through my speakers lyrics echoed louder:
"the rain drops and the rain drops and the rain drops..."


***

i love those little moments when nature plays in concert with random music selections.
the rain started coming down hard when the rain lyrics from radiohead's "sit down, stand up" came on. it was brilliant. and i swear the drops matched beat for beat as the music got more crazed and frantic.

radiohead in rain song.

thirty somethings

thirty somethings are being made left and right all around me.

welcome this guy to the club. it's his birthday.

happy birthday, glyphic!

love in flames

my love is in flames. flames brought upon by a band. a band that i should have seen play this past weekend but didn't.

i am a great fool who didn't do everything in my power to get to their show, to get consumed by a bright burning oblivion of sound, to get swallowed up into the intesity of a lyric inferno, to become engulfed in the fervent, furious flames created by the arcade fire's fusion of everything blazing with beauty.

when i first bought this album i thought: "this is alright." it sounded to me like some kind of talking heads ripoff. but i kept with the album. gave it a spin maybe once a week. and then i gave it a home in my car's cd changer. and it's lived there ever since.

nowadays, the album is on heavy rotation. finding repetition in my head, my itunes, my shuffle play.

i'm always looking for meaning and poetry in songs. so i'm usually good at catching lyrics. this being said, i've listened to the album "funeral" several times and i still can't sing along with all of the tracks. no, it's not because the lyrics aren't memorable. far from it. it's because, quite surprisingly and uncharacteristically for me, i find myself getting so wrapped up by the music that the lyrics haven't penetrated past my body's physical reaction to the songs. it's like i've surrendered to its spell, and so my body moves mindlessly in time to it.

i can't stop raving about this album. all i can do is suggest you go out right now and buy your own copy.

embrace the arcade fire, and warm to their ravaging delights.

the latest in my list of things that suck

losing at the weekly poker game.

the tables have turned. and they have turned against me. i used to do alright by my five bucks at the weekly game. was pretty consistent. usually ended up for the night. sometimes was the big winner. or one of them. in the last two sessions, however, i've pretty much blown through the fiver within an hour and a half of playing.

so what's happened?

the bogus answer: i no longer follow any of my old poker superstitions. no more watching at least one hand played on any of the poker shows on tv before heading out. it seems that when i don't heed this silly ritual, the poker gods shun me, condemn me to a night of bad hands, suckouts, and wipeouts.

the pity me answer: there's too much pressure to do well. my co-workers all want to know how much money i ended up with the following day. its not enough that i'm up 25 cents, 40 cents. i gotta win big. (and now i really have to win big because i owe "smarty" ten dollars. and he will only accept repayment through my poker winnings and/or lottery winnings. at this rate, it may take a while. i didn't even win a dollar from playing the lottery last night. double suck.)

the excuse answer: after driving over an hour to get to the weekly game this year, i am rarely in the mood to play. i am usually cranky and tired from the rushing around. and one should never play this way. one needs to be excited and hungry to play. i haven't really felt like that in a while. kinda sad really. i want to like it again.

the real answer: poor play and apathy. i've lost the patience to win. i've been chasing hands. staying in longer than i should be. refusing to fold when i know i'm beat. raising on shit that's fairly mediocre instead of being smart and checking to see what other people do. it's like i've given up on playing well. and that will always burn you when you sit down at the table. i throw in chips for the hell of it. and not exclusively to get people out of pots where i am clearly in the lead. i'm throwing chips in with medium hands in bad position, following raises because it's easier to say "fuck it" than to settle in and play smart. ugh.

it's hard to say if and when the tables will turn again. i guess i'd like them to.

the noncommittal answer: meh.

leaving no doubt

USC is the best college football team in the country.

my kids handed the sooners their asses to them in a 55-19 loss in last night's orange bowl 2005 national championship game. wow!

i don't think anyone was expecting OU to perform so poorly, to get spanked so hard.

i was nervous when OU scored first. but the trojans answered quickly. and when they added 2 more touchdowns after that, i felt safe enough to enjoy the game.

you gotta hand it to matt leinart. he was on his game. he proved himself. he proved that he did indeed deserve that heisman trophy. and lendale white is awesome. reggie bush gets a lot more media attention, but i really like 21 over 5. steve smith also made some amazing plays. and our defense was solid. actually, the whole team was on. they came to win.

and pete carroll - my coach boyfriend - he's the best thing to happen to SC football. he's a good man. he cares about his players. he knows how to work hard. he knows how to put things into perspective. and from the looks of him on the sidelines, he knows how to have fun. i hope this man retires a trojan.

game day jitters

in less than 6 hours my Southern California Trojans will be battling the Oklahoma Sooners for the national championship in the orange bowl. and boy am i a wreck.

perhaps i watched too much pre-game talk, but i am completely nervous about this game. i'm not even a total jock when it comes to sports. i'm not even the biggest USC fan out there. but for whatever reason (most likely family tradition mingled with a splash of school pride) this game means a lot. i even bought some SC swag to wear for tonight's showdown.

i've heard predictions putting both teams ahead. some say USC by 3. others OU by 6. but always very, very close. and that makes me even more sick.

i've watched some of the other bowl games this year and they have been nail-biters, with the lead going back and forth often to the last second, last play. it's been brilliant to watch. but i don't know if i could take a game like that tonight. sure i want the game to be exciting. of course i want both teams to play well. but i want SC to win solidly. none of this hail mary throw with 2 seconds to go, or field goal attempt from 48 yards out business. unless of course it goes in our favor.

fight on!!

so long 2004, welcome 2005!

2004 is behind me now. i left it in the company of the poker posse. gambling on another year.

i ended up regaining my losses and then some.

here's to 2005 playing out and paying out like that session.

happy new year everyone!!!!!!!